Alone, Alone, All All Alone

Even on the first day, you couldn't keep your eyes off me. Every morning you would whistle that tune that told me that you were on your way. Everyone thought you were a nice man and didn't want you to leave when Mrs Norberry came back from having her baby. But it was the way you stared at me that made me feel uncormfartable. You would stare at me for the whole lesson, from your little wooden desk, your mad eyes following my every step. You would never join the other teachers at lunchtime, instead you sat in your classroom drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag. Which I was sure was the reason for the stale smell of whisky that lingered around each and every one of our conversations. You always wore the same clothes; cream, suede trousers, a blue shirt but no tie, the scruffy, dark green, tailored jacket with the buttons missing and your black leather shoes. It often looked like you had slept in the same clothes all week, without even a wash. Your hair was black but everyone could see the grey coming through now. Your face looked distressed. Creased with fine lines and wrinkles. I could tell there used to be a happy version of you, the lines that outstretched from your eyes imerging like crows feet, told me that you smiled once. You showed no sign of there being a Mrs McTaggart, you never spoke of anyone else. Not of any children, or even grand-children, and your left hand beared no gold ring. You were alone, I could feel that you were alone. I too was..alone.
It wasn't a vicious rape. That's why, for a long time after you had gone, I hadn't thought it was rape. I knew that what had happened was planned, and that I hadn't wanted any of it, right from the start. I was still young and didn't understand. But you had not attacked me. All the way through it I was aching for you to stop. To just stop. I convinced myself that this was all my fault. I was the one who stupidly stayed behind that day. I thought nothing of it, "one on one teaching" you called it.
You sat drinking out of your paper bag, while I answered the last of the sums you had given me. You had a different shirt on today, not your usual blue one, but a bright, crisp, freshly washed white one. It reminded me of angels, the winter season that was approaching. Peace and humanity. You looked happier today. I could see it in your eyes. Your pale blue eyes, as blue as the sky. They glistened as you looked at me, twinkling like stars. As if they had just been set upon something new and shiny. A brand new toy. I was the toy. You came over to me and started stroking my hair.. running your fingers through it, as if you were running your hands through a stream. Humming a little tune. You touched my skin. Your fingers were cold, the coldness stabbed me in the back like a dagger. I felt like crying. I was frozen, sat in my chair, helpless. I could do nothing. Even if i could of screamed at that moment, I don't think I would of.
You started touching my chest, telling me it felt good, that it was what I wanted you to do. I wasn't even big enough in the chest to wear a bra. I told you to stop but when i did, rage rose in your eyes. All I could do was sit there and take it. You took me out of my chair and sat me upon your desk, raising my skirt up your eyes gleared. I felt repulsed. You slipped my pants down to my ankles and unzipped your trousers. I couldn't stop crying. I kept asking you to stop and let me go, but you just looked at me and told me not to be stupid, it was what I wanted, you said. You told me that I was "your precious" and that you had never seen anything so beautiful. I wanted to be sick.
I tried to sit tight and hope that you wouldn't go through with it. I was wrong. You forced my legs apart and pushed yourself inside me. I can remember the pain, it felt like I was being ripped apart. I screamed, I begged for you to stop, but it was useless. You were easily twice my size and so strong. You kept telling me to stop crying, that I'd asked for it, but it only made me cry more. I wanted to die.
You kissed me on the head and told me that I was very special to you. I was confused. How could you damage something that was so "special." I was an emotional wreck. You grabbed your briefcase and with the look of gratitude across your face, you strolled out of the classroom. I sat there alone untill I was totally sure that I couldn't hear your shoes squeeking no more...